And on the current season, one of the cast member’s title is “Motivational Speaker.” Now this dude is anything but motivational. It’s quite a contrast, between his title and his actions.
Coincidentally (or, you know, not), I recently came across this quote:
“Were I to crown myself King, should I be King? Rather should I be an object of disgust or pity.” [Austin Osman Spare]
The words echo: “Were I to crown myself King.” How often do you choose the labels you want? Sometimes, often – pronouns come to mind. It’s your right to choose your pronoun, no one else’s. (If you wanna fight me on this, just unsubscribe now.)
Other times, you take on labels from others – employer’s job titles, for example.
Then there’s those tricky ones in between.
The ones you’re trained into as a kid. “Procrastinator,” “workaholic,” “too serious,” “too silly,” all labels you probably didn’t choose for yourself.
Or the ones you know belong to you, but you struggle to say.
Maybe it’s something you want to be. Or know you’re growing into. Maybe it’s something you’ve always been, but have been afraid of what other people would think. (*cough* like “psychic.”)
For me, putting “psychic” on my work profiles was hard. That’s why I put it there. It’s my edge boundary – if I can put “psychic” out there as a title, literally any other title I might reasonably consider will feel fine. And it took years of many people calling the work I do “psychic AF” for me to even consider it.
Because as the quote continues, “…should I be King? Rather should I be an object of disgust or pity.” You have to live up to your label, or suffer the wrath of those who see you wrongfully wearing it. Like, say, an insensitive Motivational Speaker. Just for example.
But you, because you’re here, are not likely the insensitive motivational speaker type. You’re far more likely struggling to wear the label that feels overwhelming, scary … and also amazing. And deep down, true.
What would it feel like to try on that label just for a little while?
Today, I want to talk to you about how your future is destroying your ability to make decisions in the present.
… Just saying those words fucks me up a little bit, so I just want to take a moment to say it again so we are both clear on the topic today.
Your future is destroying your ability to make decisions today.
Once upon a time, there was a girl. That girl was me. I had a job that wasn’t terrible, but over time it drove me into the ground. I didn’t feel like myself there. I didn’t feel respected by my boss, improvements that I knew were possible were ignored, I could go on and on but if you’re listening to this podcast, you know what it’s like to work somewhere where you don’t feel seen.
I knew that something needed to change. And one day while I was at an acupuncture appointment, my acupuncturist said to me, “Why don’t you quit?”
Panic welled up inside me. It was subtle, but it was panic. As my heart settled into its new home in my throat, I said, “I can’t quit.”
“Why not?” He asked me.
“Because!” I exclaimed. And then, I launched into the list of reasons that of course, I had to stay in my job.
I would never be able to afford the mortgage without this job. Nobody would hire me because my experience is too specific to this company. I wouldn’t have any references. I don’t have enough money saved. On and on I went with reason after reason that my future was fucked if I quit my job.
He paused. He looked at me with a small smirk that I now recognize as, “Oh, Sonja.” and he said, “Have you called the bank?”
I sat there, completely confused. Normally at this point, people will tell you, this job is no good for you, it’s hurting you, leave, blah blah blah. But the bank? What is the bank have to do with any of this? Why would I call the bank?
Thankfully, he continued.
“Do you know what options are available for your mortgage. Have you applied to other jobs, and do you know that no one would hire you. Do you have any evidence to support the reasons you can’t quit?”
Of course, I didn’t.
My fear about what would happen in the future, how much worse it might get, it was driving me to stay exactly where I was. It was keeping me frozen in a place that was unhealthy, in exchange for staying away from a potentially scary future.
So, here’s the thing. Your brain, specifically the amygdala, is in charge of keeping you safe. That’s been the amygdala’s job for a very long time. Uncertainty is very scary. An unknown animal, and unknown human, and unknown darkness in the forest. An unknown sound that you don’t recognize.
All of these things warrant staying alert. Heightening your reaction time. Strengthening your awareness. This is fear’s job.
And yet, your brain also loves to dream about the future. To imagine what could be. To plan, to chart a course, to try new things and explore new work, new cities, new relationships. If you think about it, and if you never explored new things … would you still be hanging out with the same people from high school? From grade school? Sitting in your childhood room playing with a binky?
Humans are constant explorers.
Your amygdala registers this future possibility as terrifying uncertainty. It misinterprets it as an uncertainty that’s a threat Right Now. And your amygdala is not the sharpest crayon in the box. Uncertainty is uncertainty is uncertainty. Your amygdala is going to freak the fuck out, regardless of how unlikely a future scenario is.
And for whatever fucked-up reason, your brain would rather remain in a place that is hurting you, where your surroundings are known, than to venture out into the unknown.
If you think about how often this happens, it’s everywhere. I’ve even done this in the shower. You know the style of shampoo bottle where the cap is on the bottom, and it collects water if it sits in the path of the shower water. I will flip that sucker over and drain it out on purpose, undoubtedly hitting myself with this super cold cap water, in order to avoid the possibility that I might accidentally squirt this cold water on myself while I’m trying to get shampoo out. My brain says that it is better to accept a known discomfort, then to risk an unknown discomfort that may not even happen.
All of the things I was afraid of if I left my job never happened.
After that job, I was hired again, very quickly in fact. I did have references, and I didn’t need them. I did not lose my house, and I didn’t have to call the bank.
Here’s the rub. The future that I thought was safe, wasn’t. I was let go through a reduction in force at a company that overtime has been trimming it’s ranks. I was so sure that staying in a space that was hurting me was the safe choice, and yet not a single assumption that I made about my future happened. The safe, expected future didn’t happen. And the unsafe, possible future didn’t happen.
You don’t know your future. Don’t let your assumptions about what will or could happen impact the decisions you make for yourself today.
If your future was completely unknown — and it is — what decisions would you make right now?
If you would like help figuring out where to go with your life next, I have just released my services page for 2020. Feel free to go check it out at sonjathegrey.com/services. I do have openings for a limited number of new monthly clients, as well as other one-time options available.
That’s it for me today, if there’s anyone you know who might benefit from this episode, please send it their way.
Here’s what’s coming in 2020! I’m looking forward to helping you bring more magic and happiness into your work and life. Interested in the services below? Contact me to discuss options. If you know someone who could use one of these services, I’d love for you to share this page with them.
Your Hero Map
How amazing would it feel to move from feeling deeply lost in the muck, to feeling not only hopeful, but downright inspired about your path forward?
Spend a magical, virtual day with me, as we look deep into the toughest issues you’re facing and move through them with ease and humor. We’ll review your life on all planes – spiritual and physical. We’ll unhook you from the thought patterns that are holding you back, and we’ll create rituals for you that support and nourish your new path forward. This is the life overhaul you have been dreaming of. Includes one month of email support afterwards.
I’m offering a special New Year’s pricing on these at $750. Snatch up your spot now, availability is limited. Bring a toasty beverage and a large serving of hope, and we’ll do the rest together.
One-on-One Holistic Career Coaching Packages
These packages are designed to help you cure that deep ache you feel about work. To shift your energy and your mindset toward a new path that brings you happiness and joy, whether it’s at your current job, or a new one. Because work is too much of your lifetime for it to suck.
Packages range from one to twelve sessions. During this time, we will identify your dreams and what’s holding you back – and then get you unblocked and moving. We’ll dig into your beliefs, energy, mindset, as well as your portfolio and resume as needed. Pricing is $750 for four sessions or $2,000 for twelve. Alternatively you can sign up for just one session, $95 for new clients, $195 for returning clients.
All packages include a preliminary channeling from me about your situation, and monthly packages include asynchronous support between sessions, because momentum matters.
À La Carte Options
Perhaps your current needs are a little lighter. Do you need a resume, website, or portfolio review? I’ve seen hundreds of applications, I can help your content avoid common pitfalls and rise above the rest.
Or, perhaps you’re looking for a different kind of guidance. I offer pranic and reiki energy work, channeling, and tarot readings. You can also select my favorite, “Wizard’s Choice,” in which I will intuitively choose services to create a custom package for you for $100. It’s my favorite because it enables me to check in with my guides (and yours) to find the best fit for you and your situation. And it’s a deal for you, the content is always worth more than $100.
Online Workshops
I will continue to offer online workshops throughout the year to support you! Keep an eye on the newsletter for scheduling. If you’re not subscribed, you can do so at the top of the homepage.
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About Me
As Director of Web Development, I learned that, above all else, employees need to be supported, not managed. I observed how employees would lose faith in their work and themselves, and I learned how to help them turn that around. I extensively studied behavior and brain science, focusing on topics such as how to shift your mindset, release negative thought patterns, how to move through fear.
I also learned the impact of our approach to our spiritual energy on our work lives. Spirituality, energy, imagination – It all ties together into our experience of life, and it can all be shifted – if we put in the work. I am a certified reiki master, certified Law of Attraction practitioner, I studied pranic energy healing under direct mentorship. I love tarot, runes, channeling, about as much as I love a good spreadsheet.
I recently attended the World Domination Summit in Portland, Oregon. (Weird name, right? And no, it’s not like that.)
Jeff Harry, in the house. The high-five welcome is a standard part of the WDS experience. Photo credit: Armosa Studios
Often defying description, WDS was recently described by a friend of mine, Jeff Harry, when he said: “The best way to describe WDS is that it is a play conference where people are giving each other permission to live a much bigger, more powerful, adventurous life. It challenges the notion of the standard 9 to 5, as well as believing that life is a mundane experience that you just need to tolerate.”
Every year, the content is captivating. In addition to mainstage speakers with the likes of Brene Brown and Ryan Holiday, attendees are empowered to create their own meetups throughout the week and share their knowledge and expertise with each other. Or just have tacos, because tacos.
There are numerous blog posts every year reviewing the content – that’s not my focus today.
Today, I became fixated on the question … why do the attendees struggle every year to describe WDS, and why they keep coming back? Attendees often return for 2, 3, 4, 5 years to this conference, and yet when asked what brings us back, many will say “it’s hard to describe,” and then echo the conference theme, “how can we live a remarkable life in a conventional world,” and then “really, it’s the community.” And all the while, we walk around wondering, “what does make this community what it is?”
WDS has lots of hugs that look like this. People get permission, and then hug the crap out of each other here. Photo credit: Armosa Studios
Then today I was out for a walk, listening to Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie. I may have gotten dirt in my eye, as I often do during this section of the song:
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance? Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
… ‘Cause love’s such an old fashioned word And love dares you to care for The people on the edge of the night And love dares you to change our way of Caring about ourselves
And it struck me that the reason we have such a hard time describing WDS is because the answer is very simple.
WDS is love.
It’s a community of people who show up every year to connect with their chosen family.
It’s a community that invites in new members, without hesitation, and says “come, join us. Show us your quirks, your fears, your dreams, and we’ll show you that you belong here, because we have the same quirks, fears, and dreams.”
People return to WDS because this community is willing to risk loving each other, in a society that has, somehow, made that wildly uncool.
I have friends at home, and we struggle to say “I love you” to each other. We know we do, we show it and feel it in every interaction. And yet, it’s difficult to say the words, because “love” is reserved for family and lovers.
But at WDS, people show up and express their love for their people all week long. They show vulnerability, trust, and patience with each other. Hugs last longer than a pat on the back. Friends say “I love you!” and it’s not weird.
Love isn’t dangerous, it’s the baseline.
WDS is a glimpse of what the world could be like, if we collectively gave – and received – more love.
The World Domination Summit community has one more year in it’s current incarnation, and after 2020, I expect to see breakout offerings from attendees all over the world. None of them will be exactly like WDS, but maybe that’s the point.
Because maybe now, it’s time to show more people what this kind of love feels like. To take it out from this community and share it with the world.
Many years ago, I flirted with the idea of becoming a professional photographer. “It’s an uphill battle,” they’d say, “the photographer’s market is saturated with everybody and their cell phones.”
I started finding clients. It wasn’t long after the first few “I want our hands held together like a heart like they do on Pinterest, okay?” that I knew portraits weren’t really something I wanted to pursue.
At one time, I also wanted to be a teacher. “Careful,” I’d hear, “the teacher market around here is saturated.”
As my career in tech progressed and I moved into management, applicants would nervously say in their interviews, “so, how many candidates do you have applying for this job? I hear the market is really saturated.”
As my career evolved into a career as a coach and advisor, I was told over and over again, “careful, that market is really saturated.”
Cut forward to my thoughts on traffic.
When I see all the cars around me on the freeway, I’m overcome by how many people there are in the world around us every day. Each car has at least one person who’s heading off to work. Or to family. Or leaving work. Or leaving family. Or starting a cross country caravan trip with 10 college friends. Going to a funeral. Or a wedding.
Most of these people do something for work. Most of them are connected to other people who work. Programmers. Doctors. Clerks. Builders. Drivers. Cooks. People in the service industry. People in tech. People in healthcare. People in the housing market. People in …
It’s this traffic that I think about when I think about the phrase, “that market is saturated.”
We are saturated … with people. With information. With data.
We’re bombarded with the number of people in our field, and we rarely stop to think about all of the other people who need our services and products.
They’re out there. They need us. They need you, doing what you do, with as much of you in what you do as possible. That’s what makes what you do stand out from the crowd.
And for a moment, I enjoy the traffic … just a little.
P.S. In an effort to prove myself wrong, I googled “surgeon job market saturated,” thinking, no way are we overloaded with surgeons. Nope, wrong – plenty of articles proclaiming that the world has too many people who can save your life. I think possibly the only market where no one has claimed saturation yet might be professional cuddling. But give it a few years, I think it’s the next cool thing.
The “You Belong Here” sign at WorkHuman 2017 did NOT make me cry. It was allergies. In Phoenix. Where they have nothing I am allergic to.
WorkHuman is a conference that encourages and celebrates bringing the whole human in to the workplace. Or as seen on their website, “Globoforce pioneered the WorkHuman movement to galvanize leaders worldwide to harness the transformative power of people for the next generation of HR.” (It may be billed as an HR conference, but let me tell you, this conference has something for everybody.)
As with any conference that’s been running for a while, groups of familiar faces begin to form. In it’s fourth year, WorkHuman is starting to see the formation of these communities. It’s an important part of the experience – we get to know each other, and hopefully, stay connected throughout the year to help inspire and motivate each other to create a more human-centered workplace.
It’s my third year attending WorkHuman, and I feel a twinge of regret that I can’t claim myself as a lifer in this movement (I missed out on the first year). I made a joke recently in the conference chat room – I feel about the same as I did when I started first grade at a school where many kids had been there since kindergarten. (I’m so glad I’ve clearly grown since then.)
Maybe we can level up that inclusion percentage this year!
This joke, however, got me thinking about what my first year was like with many returning attendees. I thought about how hard it was to “break in” and find people to talk with – even at a highly inclusive event like this one. In the hopes that this helps even one person find a table to join at the party, or find someone to talk with in between sessions, I’ve written this list of tips for oldbies and newbies alike.
1/ Give Yourself Permission to Ask Deeper Questions
“So, what do you do?” It’s built in. Knee-jerk. We just ask it. It’s understandable. And at conferences like WorkHuman, sometimes it’s not so bad. A lot of people are in similar roles and are eager to find other people in their line of work who are as excited about building a human-centric workplace as they are.
But it also tends to lead to a lighter conversation, and it can be harder to connect. But what to say instead? It can be hard try to imagine up other questions that may be less familiar.
Thankfully, there are people out there who’ve dedicated their lives to researching just this sort of thing. Vanessa Van Edwards has a fabulous list on this topic that you can check out here. Some of my favorites (especially for WorkHuman) are:
/ Working on anything exciting lately?
/ Have you been to an event like this before?
/ What was the high-point and low-point of your day so far?
And as you continue the conversation, she continues with questions that can help you dig deeper:
/ If you had to pick a character in a book, movie, or TV show who is most similar to you, who would you choose? Why?
/ When you were growing up what was your dream job? Is any part of that still true?
The great thing about questions like those last two, is that they invite people to be as open as they are comfortable with. If someone feels awkward answering the character question, they can go with an easy answer (“Oh, I’d be Superman, I’d love to fly”), or they can really dig in (“I’ve thought a lot about what it would be like to be Roland, from Stephen King’s Gunslinger series. He’s so deeply connected to his people, and yet he has to make life and death decisions regularly…”). It lets your conversation partner maintain a sense of security and still opens the door for deeper connections to form.
Sorry, Eric, for giving you blurface. It was worth it for this Pemberton quote.
Here’s my own observation from HR-related conversations. Sometimes conversations about hiring questions can turn into deeper conversations in a group. I will bring up one of my favorite questions, “what animal would you be, and why” and how it helps me understand interviewees … and then very often, someone will ask me, “what animal would YOU be?” and the conversation digs deeper into each other’s beliefs and values. So utilizing your own methods for connecting with people at work in your HR role can help you connect with people at conferences, too.
2/ Start Conversations in Easy Places
It’s easy to get overwhelmed at receptions and lunches, where there’s a LOT of people and the focus is on longer conversations. But some of my favorite conversations (and ultimately friendships) at conferences have started in the simplest places. Start up a conversation in line with the person next to you while you wait for your room to open, or while you wait for your food at the food cart (#Austin!). Ask questions of people milling about in WorkHuman Central (the small activities in this area can be a great way to comfortably start chatting with someone). Go on some of the informally organized activities (if there’s a jogging group, or a trip to see the bats, or a yoga group).
3/ Leave Room For Newbies
Suuuper awesome party in 2016. And suuuper intimidating to this noob.
This tip is especially important for returning attendees. Particularly at a conference like WorkHuman, where people tend to really connect with each other, our body language will reflect this connection. You see that friend you met 3 or 4 years ago, you give them a hug, and you start talking. Your body is fully turned towards that person and you really engage. Maybe you’re with a group standing around a tiny table, and you all lean in and really invest in each other and the conversation.
First, this is amazing. It’s a great sign that the connections being made are having an impact. But it’s also sending a physical body-language message to others in the room (especially newbies) that there’s no room for them with you – which, chances are, is not the case! I’ve seen this body language often at conferences where people are really connecting. So whenever you can, always make space in a group for someone else to join. Let your body language tell others “Hey, we’re safe, we see you, and we’d love to talk to you!”
And if you’re a newbie, watch body language to help you find people to talk to. If two people are squared up and talking to each other intently, it’s going to be harder to break into their conversation. But if you see their bodies are slightly turned out towards the room, you’ll have a much easier time walking up to that pair and introducing yourself, and maybe asking them one of the questions above.
And if a group has left space at a table, it’s there for you. Take the space – you’ll be glad you did.
Have a great trip to WorkHuman, everybody! I hope to meet you there.
This sign absolutely made me cry.
And not just because of the time I walked into it face-first.
You wake up feeling rested and refreshed (…okay, fine, feeling somewhat rested, and mostly refreshed), you’re ready to tackle the day, but then you remember something that kicks you in the feels. Maybe it’s a presentation you have to make that afternoon. Maybe you remember a fight you had with a loved one the day before. Maybe it’s some bad health news.
That’s all it takes, your morning has just gone to shit. You grumble at the empty cereal box. You swear at your roommates when you see there’s no toilet paper. You generally grump your way along for the rest of the day, only interested in getting back to bed and trying again tomorrow.
What changed after the moment you opened your eyes feeling mildly peppy? You were feeling good about your day and ready to tackle the world (or at a least your neighborhood traffic circle).
You weren’t even out of bed yet before you ruined your day with only a thought.
The things that felt like they reinforced your crappy morning might not have struck you in the same light had you been in a good mood. When you’re in a good mood, and you pull and empty cereal box off the shelf, you might think, “oh cool, the kids liked this cereal!” or “That’s fine, I actually really want some eggs, and omg I forgot we bought bacon! Yessss!” That empty T.P. roll might inspire you to do some crafts later. Or maybe you just don’t give it any thought at all and just replace it, because you’re too busy getting excited about making coffee with your new whisimagadget.
This doesn’t mean you try to block every negative thought you ever have. You can’t, really, and you wouldn’t want to – blocking negative thoughts doesn’t end well. When negative thoughts come by, there’s two ways to can handle them:
1) That presentation is today! Ugh. I’m scared. I’m not ready. I suck at giving presentations. I’ve always sucked at giving presentations. Remember that time in sixth grade? That was awful. Oh, and then there was that other day where Jerry stole your lunch. He was a jerk, too, I wonder what happened to him. He’s probably a car salesman now. Just like that one guy who gave me the bad deal on the last car. Ugh, this sucks.
2) That presentation is today! Ugh. I’m scared.
Okay. In scenario #1, the thinker grabbed on to that fear about the presentation with both hands and ate it up like a holiday dinner with Grammy. I can feel my chest clenching up just reading that block of panic.
In scenario #2, the thinker saw the fear thought, and didn’t try to push it away. They acknowledged it, and then let it go.
Here’s where #2 can go next:
… Okay. I’m scared. [ Why are you scared? ] I’m afraid I’m not ready. I suck at — [ wait, we’re not doing that, you’re perfectly fine with presentations, you gave a great one last week. Just leave it at the fear. What’s the fear? ] That I’m not ready. [ Okay. You wrote a great presentation. Practiced all week. You are ready. It’s okay to be nervous, but you are ready. If you’re worried about that last bit, go through that part one more time. You got this. ]
A lot of things just happened there, I’ll break them down:
The fear was acknowledged, but not embraced.
The thoughts started to spiral back into scenario #1, grabbing on to the fear, at “I suck at…” But when you recognize what’s happening, that you’re embracing the fear thought, you can cut it off, and stop it from continuing. This takes practice! Don’t worry if it doesn’t always work. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
There’s usually a real concern inside of fear thoughts (in this case, being scared that you’re not ready). If you can find it, you can address it calmly.
This flips between first person, “I’m scared,” and second person, “why are you scared?” It turns out, studies of brain scans show that we’re more receptive to speaking to ourselves in the second person. Chances are, fear-voice is going to spend a lot of time talking in the first person, that’s fine. Don’t sweat it. But the more you can get your calm perspective to speak in the second person, the faster you can retrain your brain away from fear.
When you take this approach, the fear has a lesson to teach you, you learn it, and you move on with your day. You’re back to feeling rested and refreshed, too, most likely – you may have even gotten a boost from addressing your fears. And I’m sure you can guess which presentation is going to go better – the one born out of fear, or the one wrapped in confidence.
BONUS! How might this thought process go during the zombie apocalypse?
1) Holy hell, a herd of zombies is coming towards us! Shit! What do we do? I don’t want to die. I can’t die. I didn’t sign up for this. I was just an accountant. I helped people. I probably helped some of those people out there slugging their way towards me. Shit, is that Leslie, the one missing an arm? Oh crap, is that even possible? I —- eaten.
2) Holy hell, a herd of zombies is coming towards us! Shit! What do we do? I don’t want to die. [ Okay. No dying today. What do you do? Hide. ] WHERE?! [ There. That building. Break open the door. Get inside. Get it blocked off. Be quiet, wait it out. ]
So when you practice listening to, and learning from, your fears on a regular basis, you’re also honing your ability to listen to your inner voice in case of catastrophe! Win-win. Well sort of, because zombies.
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
If you want to read more about how you create your reality with thought, stay tuned, and subscribe to my newsletter to receive exclusive content. I’ll be digging into thought more in the future. Or if you want to read more faster than I can write about it, I highly recommend The Inside-Out Revolution by Michael Neill. That’s not an affiliate link, I just really love the book.
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